In the weeks after Xavier’s death, I spent a lot of time online. I would search for those with similar stories. Those that were grieving in the way I was. I would search for hope in the words of those who were further ahead in their grief. I would search for understanding in the words of those who had recently lost. The SIDS and Kids forum became a sanctuary for me. I would check it constantly – not just to see if anyone had replied to my own thread – but because I hoped there would be some small new bit of information. Some words that I could take with me through the day and that would give me comfort.
Through that forum I met a wonderful mother who had also lost her son. She was grieving in a similar way to what I was. Her eloquent and articulate words struck my soul and we struck up an online friendship. We emailed each other for months and month – epic emails with our hearts poured into them. I would be struggling with something and she would come back with clarity. She would be wrestling with a unknown feeling and I would put my finger on it. She became my rock and her emails the highlight of any given day. There was love and healing and magic in those email exchanges. They allowed me to mother my son, share my son and work through my grief. They allowed me to get to know her son, even though he was in a place I could not go. Whilst we are both now busy with new little additions to our families, our love for each other, and our love for each other’s boys continues. We are bound by words.
Once Elijah I was born, I felt I wanted to reach out to anyone who was searching the internet as I had been. Those that were looking for words to comfort them. That is why this blog was born alongside my rainbow baby. Over time, I have blogged about things other than loss. I had ideas in my head that I wanted to express and this blog provided a platform. I have recently started a new blog with a dear girlfriend, and that will become the place I blog about parenting my living boys and the million ideas that race around in my brain. This blog will be solely dedicated to positive grieving and connecting with Xavier. This place will belong to him. And it will be a safe place for those searching for respite after losing their child.
3 thoughts on “What this blog is. Why this blog is.”
I am 41 and fell pregnant for the first time. I and my husband had decided long ago that children was just not our thing. I did not feel maternal and was content on visits with nephews and nieces. The pregnancy was a shock, but I immediately felt this was meant to be. I embarrassed it. My husband did not and it took him almost 3 months to feel happy and excepting about the pregnancy. At 20 weeks, he was ecstatic when I said that it was a girl. At almost, 31 weeks, we lost her. On the 26.08.2014 I gave birth to my first child that was no longer living. We have her funeral on Friday. We called her, Aleera. The name was picked by my husband and I knew no other name would measure after hearing it. Why, why, why did this happen to me? This was my chance. Why did it take me so long to figure out that I needed her in my life? I am drowning in sorrow because she is not with me now. I can’t bring her back and my hope for another child is slim to nothing. I received a memory box and words can not convey the meaning to me. I am filling the box with special memories. I miss her and always will.
I am so sorry Aleera isn’t in your arms, where she belongs. I don’t think any of us will ever answer the why me? question. I don’t think an answer exists. I hope you find comfort and connection through her memory box. She is so very loved and always will be. This is a very hard road you are embarking on, but know there are so many others travelling it and together we all pull through somehow. And some days, it really is enough if all you have managed is breathing. Xoxox.
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