Warning: This article talks about the cremation and burial of infants. It is intended for those that are either faced with this terrible decision or are wondering whether the decision they have made is the right one. It is not my intention to offend anybody, but I realise these are sensitive subjects.
After Xavier died it felt like I had fallen down Alice in Wonderland’s rabbit hole. Everything was wrong and out of place and I was faced with one horrific decision after another. Would we consent to an autopsy on our baby? What colour should his coffin be? Would I speak at his funeral? But of all the decisions, the one that I found the most vexed was whether to bury or cremate our darling child.
In the wake of his death, I was given information from SIDS and Kids. Numerous booklets with information on grieving, on support and on infant funerals. These little booklets offered advice and quotes from parents who had been through what we were living. One of those parents revealed that they had decided to bury their child because they wanted a place to visit. That resonated with me and we decided to bury Xavier. It is a decision that I have revisited, wondered about and never been entirely sure whether I made the right one. I wanted a place that was his, but then I didn’t want him alone at night. After all his little body went through, I could not commit him to the fire but I now wonder if the earth is any kinder.
If you have come to this place because this is a decision that you are facing: how to say goodbye to your precious child, then I extend my love and my deep-felt sadness. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could deliver your child back into your arms. But all I can offer is my experience and the hope it may help you.
If this is a decision you are making or a decision you are regretting, then know this: There is no right decision. When the choice is between fire and earth rather than holding your baby close, there is no decision that will feel right.
These are the reasons I chose to bury Xavier:
- I wanted a place to visit that was separate and his alone.
- I could not face the thought of cremation.
- I wanted a place that would be his forever – a small patch of earth that would bear his name for all eternity.
- Others in my family have been buried in the same cemetery as Xavier.
- I wanted a place where others could visit Xavier.
Often when I visit Xavier’s grave, there will be small ornaments, toys or cards left by his tombstone. Evidence that he is still a part of the lives of my family and friends. It is a joy to see these small things. There is a sense of tradition and ritual that accompanies visiting his grave on his birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day and Father’s day. On the flip-side, I often feel guilty that I do not visit him as often as I used to. There is a sense of duty to that small patch of earth that I feel I don’t always live up to.
These are the reasons that others I know chose cremation:
- They want their baby in their home.
- It is important to them to hold ashes in a special urn, or piece of jewellery.
- They wanted to scatter ashes in places sacred and special.
- They could not face the thought of their baby alone in the earth.
- They wanted to be able to take their baby with them, should they move house or overseas.
If you choose burial, here are some ways to honour your baby in your home:
- You can request some of the sand used at the burial and place this in a special urn or piece of jewellery. If you buried your child some time ago and crave this, you can use some of the soil that covers their gravesite.
- I personally believe that the essence of Xavier does not reside in his remains. His love, his warmth and his presence is felt in the sunshine, heard in the sound of his brothers’ laughter and seen in the love our family shows each other. There are places in our home that are dedicated to him. I feel him in those places more-so than his gravesite. You can create spaces in your home where you feel your baby.
If you choose cremation, here are some ways to honour your baby outside your home:
- You can request to have a plaque erected at a cemetery in honour of your baby.
- You can choose any sacred space that allows you to feel your child’s spirit and dedicate it as “their place”. Perhaps a beach or forest. You might visit that place on special dates.
- You can talk to your local council about building a public garden, special seat or some other wonderful thing in your child’s memory.
Explaining cremation and burial to young children is difficult. Carly Marie has a beautiful way to describe cremation to children. My eldest son struggles to understand why Xavier’s body is buried deep within the ground when we talk about him being in heaven and all around us. This is what I tell him:
Each of us has both a body and a soul. Our bodies provide a home for our souls. Our soul is who we are, what makes you YOU – every soul is unique. Our bodies are not made to last forever. Sometimes they get sick. They get old. Some people have to lose their bodies earlier than others. This is what happened to Xavier. But our souls do not get sick and they last forever. It is harder to understand a soul without a body, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Xavier’s body went into the ground, but his soul is all around us and a part of our family for always.