I have blogged before – a trail of unfinished projects littering the Internet. I blogged about work. I blogged about first time motherhood of my eldest child, Isaac – http://blackberrymummy.blogspot.com.au. I have to regard those posts with a wry smile – I will never again be blessed with such naive self confidence.
And now I find myself writing another blog. After my middle son, Xavier, died by SIDS last year at 2 weeks old I found solace in pouring my heart onto the page. But the things I wrote were intensely private. Some of it I shared with other angel parents. Some of it I shared with close friends and family, in an attempt to illustrate the depth of my pain. Most of it remains on the computer – a testament to a difficult journey. On the advent of Elijah’s birth, I now find I want to write and share.
This blog is about parenting after loss. The tears, the fears and, above all, the love that remains for all three of my sons. A dear and eloquent friend once said “the heart is the only vessel where it’s capacity for fullness is not diminished by its brokenness.” My heart so easily expands to encompass more children, but it never contracts. There remains a place in my heart which bears Xavier’s name. Claimed just for him. Just as there is a special place for Isaac, and now his littlest brother, the much wanted, much loved – Elijah George.
This blog is not about my boys or my family living in Xavier’s shadow – it’s about us chasing his sunshine.
12 thoughts on “About Me”
I love your description – not living in his shadow but chasing his sunshine. You’re a brave lady; for grieving with such grace and for sharing it with the world. I’m sure this blog will be of great comfort to families who find themselves in the same situation.
Sending you so much love. I have shared a few of your blogs on fb because I lost our first son (named Xavier also) in Jan 2014 at 33w and the things you write are like words out of my mouth. Thank you for sharing your story. X
I am so sorry to read that your darling Xavier is not in your arms, where he should be. Much love back to you.
I found your blog searching for a blessingway ceremony after loss. I hope you don’t mind if I spend a little time here reading your story. I lost my second daughter last year (she was named Rowan) – she was stillborn at 41 weeks, passing with no warning shortly before her birth. It’s her first birthday next week and I’m currently 8weeks pregnant. The innocence of pregnancy is gone now but I want to find a way of balancing the fear which is where the thought of some sort of ceremony came from.
Thank you for your blog. It’s a difficult thing to share xx
I am so sorry that Rowan isn’t in your arms, where she should be. I found it very important to keep Xavier central during my pregnancy with Elijah. I needed people to understand that Elijah was in no way a replacement and that Xavier remains an important part of our family. My blessing way was a beautiful reminder to everyone of that connection. I hope yours is too. Much love.
maybe a website like http://www.elysway.com could help also to remember you loved ones…
I am just discovering your blog here Robyna and very sorry for your loss. I can relate a bit having lost a baby through ectopic pregnancy on a long journey of infertility. We are now blessed with two great kids through adoption. I sometimes write about our experience on my blog – I think you are very brave to have a blog dedicated to helping others who have lost so much.
Thank you – I don’t write here as often as I once did but it’s a special place for me to mother Xavier and hopefully help others.
Your words feel like I’ve written them about my son who passed, I hope its okay I’ve been sharing so people around me understand how I am feeling x x x
Please do. I am so sorry that you know this pain and I wish things were different. It’s not a path any mother should have to walk, but it sometimes makes it a little easier to know that others walk beside you. xxx
i am a newly bereaved mother. I gave birth to my daughter 4 days ago. She was born still. I’m suffering so badly. I read your post about newly bereaved mothers. You wrote “I see you’ve.” I felt like you were writing that to just me. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so so sorry that your daughter isn’t in your arms, where she truly belongs. There is no better place for a child, no matter what people might be telling you. I send you love and light and hope and the wish to go gently. Things may get darker before they get lighter, but they will eventually get lighter.