Every Thursday, I am sharing a poem I wrote in the first year of my grief.  This poem is about the tension I felt (and still do feel to some extent) between feeling better, and feeling further away.

Dichotomy

I want the time to pass quickly
– The hurt to lessen every day
I want the time to pass slowly
– It carries me further away

Away from my precious boy
Away from when I was whole
Away from when I was unaware of pain
Away from my complete soul

And where I am going on this journey?
This long, circuitous road
Where the burden is so heavy
And no one else to take the load

Sometimes I feel okay
And the load a little lighter
Perhaps that is his gift
When the sun shines a little brighter

Sometimes the load is heavy
And I feel so bereft
And I don’t feel him close to me
Just the absence he has left

Some days are filled with sunshine
And in the  warmth I feel him near
Some days are filled with storm clouds
And I can’t escape the fear

One day there will be peace
I will remember without pain
They will be together in my heart
Both the sunshine and the rain