August 19th – Day of Hope

Posted in Connecting with Angel Child by Robyna

Today is August 19th – a day of Hope. A day to talk about children gone too soon, whether they lived outside the womb or only within it. A day to remember those with hearts of mothers, but have not yet been able to conceive. A day to shatter the silence that surrounds child loss and infertility and to remember all those little footprints that have left a large imprint on our hearts.

Like many bereaved parents, I found my way to Carly Marie’s beautiful blog in the weeks following Xavier’s death. At the time (July 2012), Carly had just introduced her new project – an opportunity for the bereaved to make their babies prayer flags which would be strung and photographed on Christian’s beach. Being a crafty kind of person, this project seemed perfect.

Making things for people is one of the ways that I show love and this seemed such a beautiful way to express my love for Xavier. As I selected lace and ribbon and beads, I felt moments of calm that had previously eluded me. When I sat making the flag up for darling boy, I felt closer her to him than I had in some time. I had thought that preparing his funeral service (which I did meticulously) would be the last public act I would be able to do for my son. To realise that I could create and share that creation with others was a joyful discovery. In the quiet moments I spent sewing, embroidering, planning I felt like I was nurturing my son – it was a feeling akin to the sleepy, beautiful bubble that surrounds nursing your child. It helped me realise that my need to mother was not extinguished when Xavier’s life was. That there were still ways to connect with him that did not centre around sadness. I made two flags initially – copies of each other – one to send to Carly and the other to hang in our home. Last year, I was lucky enough to meet the gorgeous Carly and she told me that Xavier’s flag was amongst the first she received. When she posted a picture of it, amongst others, as inspiration to others I was so happy – not just because I was beyond flattered that Carly thought it beautiful but that so many more people would see Xavier’s name.

I was not ready to give up the healing that crafting the flags had given me, so I made several more, each with words that felt inspired by Xavier. Those flags now hang on our verandah, with fairy lights strung around them.

I made Xavier another flag on his first birthday this year and strung more ribbons. I have made flags for close friends on special occasions – another way to share Xavier’s love with those around me.

This year Carly is again hosting a Prayer Flag Project– this time each of us will photograph and share our flags to celebrate August 19th – Day of Hope. I decided to make a slightly different flag this time – my previous flags have all been ribbons, lace and ethereal beauty. This time I wanted to make something more earthy and representative of his presence on earth, rather than heaven. His sunshine is the most important symbol to us, so I chose to reflect that. Once again, creating for my son allowed me feel his presence and his peace.

I photographed this as the morning light came up
and lit the candles we gave out a Elijah’s mother blessing.

17Aug2013

Mother Blessing

Posted in Pregnancy after loss by Robyna

I always thought baby showers were the exclusive domain of the first time mother. A chance for her to feel loved and embarrassed in equal measure. A rite of passage akin to a hens night. Having a shower for a second, third or fourth child seemed gauche and somewhat presumptuous. It might not surprise you to read my thoughts have changed.

When Xavier was a week old my best friend arranged a small lunch with girlfriends in lieu of a shower and I am so glad she did. If not for that lunch, several friends would never have met Xavier. My eldest son, Isaac’s, shower was of the traditional kind, with the exception that I planned it myself. My sister, mother or friends would have arranged it but my nature didn’t allow that to happen. So I have never had to cringe at games featuring nappies full of chocolate or had to fake a smile as people guessed the girth of my belly. Indeed, the traditional baby shower has never really appealed to me.

I didn’t know about mother blessings until I read about them in Francesca Cox’s beautiful eBook – Celebrating Pregnancy Again. Many of the ideas have been borrowed from the Navajo tradition of blessingways. Out of respect for that tradition, I refer to a mother or baby blessing. The idea is to nourish the expectant mother with blessings and meaningful ritual. As soon as I learned about this tradition, it made so much more sense to me that the conventional shower. A dear friend was expecting her second daughter at around the time I became aware of mother blessings and I offered to host one for her. She too would probably have foregone another baby shower, but was happy with a “baby sprinkle” and a more unconventional approach. At her blessing, we strung words of hope and tied them onto a candle. We made a birthing necklace, where each guest strung a bead they had chosen onto a piece of leather. Guests wrote words of welcome onto prayer flags to be hung in the new baby’s room. I wrote words like “hope” and “joy” on rocks and asked guests to take what they needed as they left. I would have liked to also have done henna tattoos but as the blessing was held at a cafe, that proved too difficult. All in all, it was a beautiful morning.

Leigh shower

I knew that this was the kind of celebration I wanted to welcome Elijah into the world. My sister and mother organised the blessing, with significant input from me – I let go a little, but my nature remains. Around 30 of my friends and family gathered at a beautiful local cafe. I was surprised and so very touched when a dear friend from Sydney arrived at the blessing. She too knows the pain of losing a child and the anxiety and hope of a subsequent pregnancy. To have her there was amazing.

My friends strung a necklace with gorgeous beads – each with a story and meaning attached. That necklace accompanied me into labour. Mum and Paulina had created crystal pendants which guests hung onto a branch with white and silver ribbon. Mum had found a beautiful branch for this purpose. Words of hope and welcome were written onto hearts to be later framed. Further prayers and words were written onto pieces of paper and placed into bunting. Each guest received a tea light candle holder that Paulina and I had made. On reflection, I wish that we had lit those candles at the blessing itself but I am happy to know that Xavier’s light travelled home with each of the guests. It was exactly the kind of baby shower I needed. It allowed me to include Xavier and welcome Elijah in a special and respectful way.

Baby Shower

Practical Notes:

Birthing Necklace
Ask guests to bring a bead in the invitation – for those that cannot attend they may want to send a bead. Many of my guests wrote what the bead represented within their cards, which I really treasured. It can take a while to string all the beads, so it’s a good idea to get this activity started early on in the blessing – we simply passed the necklace around so that people didn’t have to get up and could continue chatting. We used very thin leather. If the leather starts to get difficult to thread beads onto, place some glue on the very tip, let dry and then cut on an slight angle.

Crystal Branch
My mum scoured local scrub land for the perfect branch (there were a few branch auditions before we found the perfect one!). She stripped back some of the bark. We bought crystals from a local beading store (Bead Trimming and Craft Co) and made up hanging pendants. We use Swarovski lead crystals so that they would catch the light effectively. Guests then chose the pendant they liked and hung it on the branch with some silver and/or white ribbon.

Prayer Flags
For my friend’s shower, I bought a couple of packs of pre-cut craft tissue paper. I then sewed the tops over so that a ribbon could thread through the top. I supplied pens for people to write and draw on the flags. You could do something similar with fabric, or supply jewelled stickers etc. for more ornate flags.

For my shower, I made bunting that opened up at the back so that pieces of paper could be held in the flags themselves. I liked the idea of the bunting holding hidden messages of hope and welcome.

Guests did this throughout the blessing, with many choosing to do it as they left.

Blessing Rocks
I bought a bag of pebbles from a local dollar store and wrote on the stones with permanent marker. I hair-sprayed over the top of the writing to ensure it adhered.

Xavier’s Lights
We found tea light candle holders for $1. We hot glue gunned on strips of hessian and ribbon around the holders.

Instructions
For each activity we placed instructions and the meaning of the activity within white ornate frames. The ones we used are from Officeworks and are inexpensive.

15Aug2013

Xavier’s Room / Elijah’s Room

Posted in Decorating Nursery, Pregnancy after loss by Robyna

Xavier never slept in his room. Never played in it. Never watched the sunrise creep in through the window. Never begged another story or asked to keep the light on. He slept in our room for the entire length of his short life. But the room remained his. His things in the drawers. His teddy bear waiting expectantly in the cot. The room was a reflection of our hopes and dreams for our son.

I had chosen an airplane theme and decals of paper plans adorned the walls. A paper plane mobile I had made him gently moved in the breeze. Tiny cut out airplanes were attached to his cot. A plush helicopter nestled with cushions on the feeding chair. And in the centre of the main wall, the wooden word “Fly”.

“Fly” – those words mocked me for months until in a bout of teary rage I ripped the “F” from the wall. I let “ly” remain – it seemed apt.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Elijah, I started to think about how to re-decorate the nursery. How could this room become another baby’s whilst still honouring Xavier’s memory? How could I take things down and put others in their place without feeling I was erasing and replacing Xavier?

I decided that the room could still reflect Xavier – but Xavier as our family experiences him now – his spirit, his presence. Of course, the room holds things that are uniquely Elijah – new toys and clothes. Furniture moved around. A newly upholstered chair and a pretty new rug. But there are many things that reflect Xavier’s love in the room.

I chose a sunny yellow and grey theme. I printed the lyrics to “I won’t give up on us” (our song from Xavier) on a series of canvasses that hang above Elijah’s cot, where “Fly” once was. I made bunting with an opening at the back of each flag that allowed friends and family to write wishes and words of hope – a variation of the prayer flags I make for Xavier. More words of welcome were written on hearts and framed. The gifts of words, prayers, and hopes meaning more to me now than teddy bears and nappy cakes.

At my Mother Blessing, loved ones hung a crystal each on a branch. That branch hangs in Elijah’s room, refracting Xavier’s sunlight and throwing rainbows around the room. I can imagine Elijah trying to catch them as he gets older.

Practical Notes

The mobile was made using the instructions here to make the round ruffle balls – Beautiful Nest . I then strung the balls onto an embroidery hoop that I had covered by wrapping ribbon around it.

I created the lyric canvases by first creating a document (in Pages, but it would work in Word also) with the text and background colour for each canvas. I then saved this as a PDF, which allowed me to export each page as a separate jpeg image. I used the Kmart photo service to create the canvasses themselves – $19 per faux canvas.

The rug is from the Etsy store – Camille Designs

I made the bunting, cushion and reupholstered the chair with fabric from Spotlight.

13Aug2013

Instinct

Posted in Uncategorized by Robyna

When I was pregnant with Elijah I was monitored more closely than I had been with either Isaac or Xavier. Not because I had a high risk pregnancy, but to allay my own anxieties.

Close monitoring is a double edged sword. On the one hand you have the constant and necessary assurance that your baby is still living, on the other every single growth abnormality is picked up. At 34 weeks, Elijah’s head measured large and his femurs short. I imagined dwarfism and a host of other Dr Google supplied diagnoses. He was born in perfect proportion.

This is the sword – reassurance comes with no guarantees and the slightest issue gains momentous proportions. The promise of rarity echoes hollow when you have been the one-in-whatever.

Yet, somewhere deep down I knew Elijah would be okay. There was a motherly instinct that was difficult to grasp at times but existed nonetheless. Instinct can be hard to access once it has been tainted by fear, but it remains. Instinct does not disappear after loss, but it can be crowded out by doubt and distrust. It’s hard to trust your gut when your head is full of anxiety. But if I took a deep breath, concentrated, and asked Xavier for a little guidance, my true maternal instinct was still in tact.

Just as I had multiple scans during pregnancy, Elijah has seen the inside of the GP’s office more times than would be considered normal for a healthy two week old. I have needed the reassurance – particularly in the lead up to Elijah turning the same age as Xavier when he died. But with that reassurance has come multiple weighings and with those weighings a concern about the lack of weight Elijah has been putting on. He weighed 3.5 at birth and 3.2 at discharge. Within the following week he only put on 60 grams. My GP suggested a formula feed once a day to increase his weight. I left in tears. My milk supply is fine – gushing in fact. The advice insinuated that formula would be better food for my baby than my milk. Breastfeeding has always been something I love doing and have never had an issue with. To think I was failing Elijah with my milk after feeling I failed Xavier was too much.

But somewhere motherly instinct kicked in (with help from N and supportive friends) and I knew formula was not the answer. I rang the ABA in floods of tears and the counsellor was fabulous. I booked an appointment with the Mater hospital lactation consultants.

During that appointment they saw that Elijah latched properly. Check. That he had no tongue tie. Check. That there was plenty of milk. Check. Then he was weighed and he had put on 140 grams in 3 days. Check. Check. Check.

The lactation consultant explained that weight is only one factor to measure a baby’s well being. A good amount of dirty nappies proves that milk is getting into baby. The baby’s skin tone and level of contentment indicates their health. She also pointed out that when a baby is in the womb, they are being nourished according to the mother’s body. Once they are born, they regulate their own appetite, which may not match what was offered in utero. I was ecstatic that Elijah had put on so much weight, but armed with this extra knowledge, I won’t panic unnecessarily if that amount of weight gain is not consistent.

I am so glad I followed my instinct. I am reminded that the best expert on my baby, is me. The role of health professionals is to educate and support me – but their role is not to mother my baby. Every mother is the best expert on their own child. We just need to trust and believe in ourselves.

12Aug2013

Two Weeks

Posted in Uncategorized by Robyna

On the weekend Elijah turned two weeks old. For our family this was a significant milestone. It’s the age Xavier was when we said goodbye. On the eve of Elijah’s 13th day – the morning we found Xavier without breath – Elijah was held all night long. My gorgeous sister stayed with me as we watched TV and waited out the sunrise. As the clock ticked over to 5am, I held Elijah close and wept with relief.

“You’re going to stay” I whispered, elated and sleep deprived.

N had pointed out that there was minimal chance of Elijah dying by SIDS and non-existent odds of him doing so at the same age we lost Xavier. But the heart and head sometimes follow different paths. Even though it makes little logical sense, I cannot help but feel that we have dodged a bullet.

The anxiety remains, and it probably will forever, but the feeling of certainty that we will lose Elijah has lessened. I will still wake in the night and check that he is breathing, but I am less surprised now to find that he still with us. When you have experienced the worst, it can be hard to have faith in the future. But I am slowly finding that faith. I do not believe our lives will be perfect from this point onwards. I have seen too many people go through multiple losses to believe that our angel children look after us from afar and protect us from any future pain. Life doesn’t work on a series of checks and balances, nor do tragedy and deservedness have any bearing on each other. I cannot look into the future and know what it holds. But I am sure there will be both beauty and pain, laughter and tears. So I can face the future with fear or with hope and I am going to choose hope.

I wrote these affirmations to help me with my anxiety – they might help other parents too.

11Aug2013

Being Brave

Posted in Uncategorized by Robyna

I have been working on this blog for a few days now, but I have been unsure as to whether to make it’s presence more widely known.

Whilst writing about loss is cathartic, sharing those thoughts feels a little like standing naked in the school yard. The internet can be a cruel place of faceless judgement, and whilst you might believe a bereaved parent to be held sacred, that is far from the truth.

Then I remembered the days after Xavier’s death by SIDS. I would scour the internet in the hopes of finding a story that reflected my own. I wanted to know that people lived through losing their children. That people found hope again. That grief would eventually become gentler. And I found some of those stories. And they did help. They let me know I wasn’t alone. They prepared me for the path ahead. I am grateful to those brave parents, who let their fears, dreams and hopes become words that others could grab onto. If I can count myself amongst their number, then that is enough.

So, with a great big gulp, I am going to plunge in and share my story with the world.

10Aug2013

The Magic of a Newborn

Posted in Uncategorized by Robyna

As my eldest son Isaac (now 4) grew from newborn to baby to toddler, I would announce each new phase as my favourite so far. But the newborn stage holds a special place in my heart. There is just something magical about new life in its most infant form. This tiny little person, full of possibility, but right now totally dependant. Baby at breast, surrounded by my family, offers a level of contentment that cannot be easily surpassed. Watching N hold little Elijah – both relaxing on the couch – fills me with warmth and gratitude. The little mewls, the grip of a tiny hand around your fingertip, those bewildered first glances until they catch your eye and gaze back your reflected love. The cuddles at all hours of the day and night. I can’t properly describe how much I love each moment. I felt this with Isaac, with Xavier and now with Elijah. When Xavier died so young, I felt particularly robbed of this beautiful stage. So I treasure every sight, every sound, every smell, every touch that Elijah offers.

A dear friend gave birth to her first – a little girl- two days before Elijah came into the world. When we met up for the first time after our babies were born she cried with me over Xavier. Her absolute love for her daughter giving her a glimpse into what the impossible pain of losing Xavier might have been. Even now, with Elijah in my arms, I wonder how I survived – and continue to survive – without one of my children. But his love remains and my heart richer for him being a part of our lives. I am a better, more patient and more grateful parent after loss. And the magic of a newborn has me spellbound once again.

8Aug2013

Welcome Elijah

Posted in Uncategorized by Robyna

On the 28th July, we welcomed our precious little man Elijah George into our lives. This is his birth story.

My pregnancy with Elijah was text book – in the sense that it was one of those of pregnancies that progress with no complications and very little discomfort. Like my previous two pregnancies, I physically felt well and joyful. However, after losing our darling second born, Xavier to SIDS, my anxiety was a different story. Losing a child opens your eyes to a whole new world. A world where previously healthy babies are born still, where there is no magic 12 week safety marker, where you can do everything right and still lose your precious child. Where you are acutely aware of just how common stillbirth remains despite the fact no one talks about it. Where a positive pregnancy test does not guarantee a positive outcome. Where newborn babies can die without a reason.

Every kick was a welcome reassurance, followed closely by the panicked thought that perhaps that was the last kick I’d feel. My doctor was amazing. He guided me through that anxiety without questioning its validity. Each scan gave me the reassurance I needed. Each time I heard the words “perfectly normal”, I could exhale for a moment. And when Elijah failed to turn up at around 36 weeks like his brothers, he okay’ed induction at 37 weeks + 2 days. Elijah weighed a good amount and his head was measuring term, so we were both comfortable with this. Particularly as my anxiety was rising after one of the women I knew through a subsequent pregnancy support group lost another child to stillbirth a few days before her scheduled induction at 39 weeks – she had asked for an earlier induction and it had been denied her.

On the morning of induction my husband and I calmly made our way to the hospital, comparing it to our previous two trips when I had been in labour by this point. I even applied some make-up though I have no idea why I thought that it would last through labour. We arrived and met up with my sister, Paulina, who has been present at all the boy’s births. We were quickly showed to our birthing suite by our beautiful midwife, Nikki.

I set up Xavier’s photo and my birthing necklace. The necklace is made up of beads that each of my family and girlfriends had given me at my baby shower/blessing – each bead representing a different wish for Elijah and I. Paulina placed oil into a burner. The room felt good.

At 8:30 Nikki broke my waters. It was probably the most uncomfortable part of the labour but it meant the beginning. I had hoped to avoid the syntocin drip and was able to wait a couple of hours to see if I went into labour spontaneously. I bounced on the birthing ball as we chatted and laughed. Paulina and I belly danced around the room, laughing as my doctor came into the room a moment after we stopped. That dance is one of my precious memories from Elijah’s birth. My doctor prepped me for the drip but said we could wait a while to administer the syntocin. Paulina performed acupressure in the hopes of getting labour underway. At about 10:00 I started to get mild contractions. As in my previous labours, these were very mild but still relatively close together. I could talk through them and had to pay careful attention to my body to tell when they eased off. By around11:30 the contractions had strengthened and the syntocin was decided against. As I started to need to lean on the sink to brace myself for the next contraction and let out a low moan, N exclaimed, “we’re on – baby will be here at around 12:30”. I moved between shower and toilet as I felt myself go into transition. That uncomfortable place of confusion and irritability – where you don’t know what you want and you can’t answer anything sensibly. As I stood in the shower, Nikki asked “so are we going to have a baby?” “I think so,” I moaned, unable to be committal even about the obvious. N ran the hot water over my back in the shower. Some abstract part of me noted how cute he looked in the scrubs Nikki had given him to wear in the shower. Sitting on the shower floor, I tried to regain some control and I whispered “breath out fear – let it go.” I moved to the bed, willing the pushing part to come on. Paulina and N stood on either side of me, applying acupressure. Finally the urge to push and I felt I needed to be on the toilet. Nikki quickly retrieved from there – “you can’t have baby here” she gently reminded me. I had intended to give birth on all fours as I had with Elijah’s brothers, but there was no time to climb on the bed. Instead, I leaned on the bed to give birth standing up. My doctor was called at 12:35 as birth was imminent. Paulina and N continued to support me through acupressure. As the next urge to push came I let out a large primal roar. It wasn’t a cry of pain, it was powerful and empowering – the roar of a lioness. I listened to Nikki as she instructed me to push just a little and breathe and then the words every labouring mother wants to hear “next push, and baby will be here”. I let a few joyful tears fall before the final push, roar and sensation of pure joy and relief. I held Elijah as Nikki passed him to me between my legs, cord attached. I held my baby in my arms for the first time. It was 12:39. We made our way to the bed, where Paulina cut the cord. Not long after my doctor arrived to deliver the placenta and the happy news that all was intact, just a small graze.

The atmosphere in the room returned to light and jovial as Elijah started his first feed. I felt loved, supported and listened to through the whole labour. Xavier was very much in the room with us.

During Elijah’s first few days we were supported by the gorgeous midwives and baby care assistants at the Mater. They listened as I talked about Xavier. They told me how beautiful Elijah was. They allowed me sleep when I desperately needed it and were kind and supportive in every way. On the afternoon of Elijah’s birth, my eldest son Isaac and my husbands family, including my darling nieces and nephews, met Elijah. The love in Isaacs eyes melted my heart. It was strange to feel such contentment whilst being acutely aware that there should have been a little one year old Xavier meeting his brother. But as the colours of sunset glinted of Xavier’s picture, I knew he was welcoming his little brother in his own sweet way.