This month is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month.
Every October I see this:
I am going to be completely honest. It doesn’t sit right with me. I lost my baby to SIDS. That was a 1 in a 1,000 chance.
Yes, I am a part of the 1 in 4 statistics but it is a very, very thin slice of the graph Xavier falls into. His death was not common (Thank God). What we went through does not happen to a quarter of the Australian population.
And so I don’t feel comfortable announcing I am 1 in 4. I know the aim of the campaign is to start people talking about the taboo subjects of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I know it’s about solidarity. I know there are no ladders in loss. I know that every one of the children remembered this month, and every month, is precious and loved – no matter their age or development. I know all of this and I support it, but I recoil when Xavier’s death is placed on the same shelf as miscarriage. I feel like a traitor even writing that. Within this community of loss we support each other equally and fully. I feel privileged to know women as mothers when their motherhood often goes unacknowledged. It is a gift to know their children through their love. I know they have their own struggles.
And so do I. And they are different. As much as I acknowledge that there is no comparison in grief, no more than, no less than there is also no the same as.
The loss of my son to SIDS is not the same as a miscarriage. It is not the same as losing a child to stillbirth. It is not the same as losing an infant to accident or illness. It is different. And that needs to be acknowledged. Each of those losses is unique and has its own pain. Not more than. Not less than. But apart.
That uniqueness feels lost when I become 1 in 4.
It was only a week or two after Xavier died. My very good friend, who has had more than her fair share of miscarriage heartache, and I were talking. I was trying to put Xaviers death into perspective. I said “perhaps there is no difference, perhaps his death is like a miscarriage”. I was struggling with my loss and honoring her loss now that I had a different perspective and understanding. She gently put her hand on my mine. She looked me in the eye and said “it’s very different.” That was a gift. The understanding that this pain held a different weight, that it was a different shape.
It is an understanding that doesn’t always occur within the loss community. Every one holds tightly to the recognition of their motherhood. I understand why. It is often the only place that motherhood is recognised. There is a fear that acknowledging the differences in loss would lead to a reduction in the recognition of motherhood. But we are all different. We mother differently. Our losses occurred differently. Our journeys take different paths. We share so much in common, and we hold that up. But I think it has to be okay to talk about the differences too.
This pregnancy and awareness month, I am 1 in 4.
I am 1 in 1,000.
And I am the only mother to my son.
4 thoughts on “1 in 4 – Why it Doesn’t Compute”
AMEN. I could not agree more. There is no “same” grief. That said, I made the mistake once of trying to tell a woman who had a miscarriage at 4 weeks that her loss was different than mine (my son died 26 days after birth) and got completely excoriated and basically shunned from a support group. And blogged about it, of course: http://babylossmama.wordpress.com/2014/06/13/grief-bully/
It’s hard – I would never want to diminish the motherhood another loss mamma feels but at the same time I don’t want to feel like the comparison diminishes Xavier’s life.
Well said. Perfectly poignant and none exclusive. Thank you.
Thank you for your words and your mothering of your sweet Rory. I am so sorry that you are in this tragic club.