Last year I felt conflicted as the year changed. I had not expected it. I knew Christmas was going to be difficult and prepared myself but I was surprised by the gamut of emotions the change of year would bring. To say goodbye to 2012 was to say goodbye to the only year Xavier had ever known. The step into a new year felt like leaving him behind – a huge gulf of time ellipsed in a single moment. Throughout my grief I have been impatient for the next phase to start, for the pain to lessen and for healing – in that regard I was glad to leave the hurt of 2012 behind. Yet I could not bid the year “good riddance”. As much as it was the year that stole my son, it was also the year that gave him to me. It was a year that saw friends engaged and married. A year where other little ones with kinder futures were welcomed. There was still so much joy in that year. Newly pregnant, I was eager for the months to pass and the safe delivery of Xavier’s younger sibling. I was keen for the making of happier memories.
But even all of that felt like leaving Xavier behind and placing trust in an uncertain future. Last year, I stood on a precipice, took a deep breath and leapt.
One of the things I struggled with after Xavier’s death was that my happiest memories were behind me. That true joy would never visit me again. A dear and wise friend has said this about grief – the heart is the only vessel where the capacity for fullness is not diminished by its brokenness. And so it is. A broken heart can hold untold joy and love. I fact, a broken heart is an expanded heart. So if I feel utter joy, it is not because my heart is mended but rather its broken form holds more than it ever did before.
Now we stand on the precipice of another new year. A year I look forward to with hope in my heart and love in my soul. A year that will bring joy, and no doubt some tears. A year to laugh with my family, to kiss my boys and to hold them close. A year to learn, to embrace life and to spend time with those I treasure. Another year on this blessed earth. How wonderful. What a gift.