I have had a rough week. Plagued by doubts about my ability as a mother. Many episodes of being convinced that Elijah will die. Watching each breath as though its his last. Missing Xavier more acutely as I am reminded exactly of what I missed and time takes Elijah further away from Xavier’s little life.
When it all gets too much, I imagine what Xavier might tell me if he could.
I have seen you struggle these last few days. Seen the tears fall and wished I could wipe them away.
When you watch over Elijah, so convinced this breath will be his last, I am watching over him too. I promised to keep him safe. Trust.
Why do you think yourself a poor mother? You have been told so many times you could not save me. You have been told so many times you are a good mother. Those that you know that have suffered loss, those you have cried with, do you judge them poor parents? Do you think them anything but beautiful and wonderful parents? Turn some of that kindness to yourself. You are a good mother. Believe.
I know you hold him in your arms and ache for me. I know that having a newborn has made what we missed so much more real. I know that connecting on a spiritual level comes a poor second to touching, kissing, breathing in sweet baby scent. I wish things could have been different too. But this is what we have. And I need you to still nurture it. I still need you. Love.
These days shall pass. Too quickly. Enjoy them. Enjoy the moments that will eventually draw us together again. Cherish.
I love you mummy.