I have blogged before – a trail of unfinished projects littering the Internet. I blogged about work. I blogged about first time motherhood of my eldest child, Isaac – http://blackberrymummy.blogspot.com.au. I have to regard those posts with a wry smile – I will never again be blessed with such naive self confidence.
And now I find myself writing another blog. After my middle son, Xavier, died by SIDS last year at 2 weeks old I found solace in pouring my heart onto the page. But the things I wrote were intensely private. Some of it I shared with other angel parents. Some of it I shared with close friends and family, in an attempt to illustrate the depth of my pain. Most of it remains on the computer – a testament to a difficult journey. On the advent of Elijah’s birth, I now find I want to write and share.
This blog is about parenting after loss. The tears, the fears and, above all, the love that remains for all three of my sons. A dear and eloquent friend once said “the heart is the only vessel where it’s capacity for fullness is not diminished by its brokenness.” My heart so easily expands to encompass more children, but it never contracts. There remains a place in my heart which bears Xavier’s name. Claimed just for him. Just as there is a special place for Isaac, and now his littlest brother, the much wanted, much loved – Elijah George.
This blog is not about my boys or my family living in Xavier’s shadow – it’s about us chasing his sunshine.